Coal Miner's Slaughter by Elise Sax

Author:Elise Sax [sax, elise]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Elise Sax
Published: 2019-04-27T05:00:00+00:00

Part III: “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.” –Groucho Marx

Mourners Shocked at Wake

by Silas Miller

Mourners gathered at a wake at Goodnight Mortuary were shocked when an imposter deceased person was found displayed in their loved one’s coffin. Gary Stone died last week of a stroke. Mourners, who attended his wake, paid their respects at Mr. Stone’s open casket, and discovered the mistaken identity.

“My wife passed out,” Franco Juarez, who attended the wake, said. “We were Gary’s neighbors. We were expecting to see Gary. That was no Gary. I don’t know who that was.”

Panic ensued when the discovery was made. “I was calm, but there was a lot of screaming. That’s when it happened. The coffin went over, and that strange man fell out. Then, it got weird,” Patty Rice, another mourner, explained.

Unlike Mr. Stone’s slim build, the dead imposter was approximately three hundred and fifty pounds. When he fell out of the coffin, he landed on two mourners, who wish to remain anonymous.

“It was just like Vietnam, man,” Harold Haines, another mourner, said. “Mayhem, death, chaos, and two poor [expletive deleted] who were flattened by a fat corpse.”

The two victims were treated at Goodnight Clinic and released with minor injuries. The large man in the coffin has not yet been identified, and Gary Stone remains missing.

“In the history of Goodnight Mortuary, this has never happened before,” Sinclair Reisman, an associate at Goodnight Mortuary, said. “But it’s been hard to focus with the Pooper Baskets showing up everywhere. It’s impossible to keep track of clients when there’s a Pooper Basket in the embalming room. My nerves are shot from dog poop.”

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